i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think my moral compass just broke
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
