Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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