Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
