masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
