i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
