From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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