I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
