Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
