Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
