i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
