I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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