I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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