I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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