Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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