I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
