Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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