Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm really busy with my period
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