DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
