She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
