Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is not my ceiling
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
