Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
and you said cock pushups were impossible
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
