I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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