I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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