i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize