someone threw a dead crab at me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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