I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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