Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
