i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
