I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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