his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
