I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
