did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
