Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
