i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
