We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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