i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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