he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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