Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sober January is a disaster.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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