Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
