Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
