Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
