He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
