also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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