Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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