Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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