At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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