You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
