my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My vagina is officially offended.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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