I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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