The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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