I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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