you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
