mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize