then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
