It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
