I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
