every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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