She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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