Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
